Ocetober 15, 2009

TOMORROWWW<333333333


well today i just havent been in the best mood. I feel like I am going to amount to nothing. I m trying to prepare for the feature, but my grades are starting to fall. I no long have any A's and my mom is going to get very picky on things. She already wants me to make sure the house is spotless, and that I paint all the brown fucking trim in the house. She refuses to help. Apperently it's "part of my punnishment" that ended liek 2 weeks ago. And now she is holding over my head if i dont show her my grades, have the house clean by thursday, and paint at least one day a week; i cannot go out and have fun. I must be grounded for a week or two. Im soooo close to snapping. I had a stress break down. My dog wont eat, and so i just started crying because he would snifff his food then push it around and walk away. Idk i feel like verything going wrong right now is my fault. I just want it all to go back to fun time i was having before i got so stressed out. Maybe i was thinking about the feature to much again. Blahhhhh.


Also I hate myself. After the first time I fell in love with someone I am quite freaked out to have it happen again. I mean i want to have it happen, but it's like once i hit a certain level of liking someone i just kinda shut down. I dont know what I am feeling. Maybe this is what love will feel like for me now, but Im not sure, so I refuse to use those words. I really want to think that i do love her, but Im just not sure. And i am just soooo scared. what if she breaks my heart like jesse. What if i turn out not to be good enough for her. What if she is on something and cheats because she was in the moment of things. AHHH im just freaking out. I think maybe i just to sit down with a nice cup of warm green tea, and just relax. I just nned to calm down and let what i feel, happen. I shouldnt be holding back, even if i am unententinally. :/

Not the best right now;
Alissarae :P