October 23, 2009

so much has happened, in so little time.
mostly its my fault.
I screwed up with emotions. and cant figure out what is really going on in my head.
Its quite frustrating actually. I could have just ruined an amazing thing, because of my fear. and because I am so unstable. I really hope Sondrene and I become friends again, one day. At the moment it kinda seems like she hates me. and its killing me inside, because i hurt such a wounderful person. I know our friendship will never be the same, but i hope it gets close to it.
She always so much fun to be with. Her giggles, and her chasing after people were my favorite part. Or how i could talk to her about anything with out her judging me. And they way she did care what i was doing, as long i was safe about it.

basically what I Am trying to say, is i miss Sondrene. Horribly.


our one month was amazing, except for the fact i didnt go to the movie with her. and then i was getting anxious to see her. but we couldnt hang out for that long. She gave me this really sweet note, which is now pasted in my journal. I was so happy she was mine. Then a couple days came around, and i started getting these odd feelings. we were supposed to be all open to eachother, no secrets. But i didnt know how to tell her what i was feeling, with out breaking up with her. And then a couple more days came around, and I wa asking my closest friends for advice. They all said if i was feeling the feelings that i was, that it would be better to not lead her on. To end it. And I wasnt entirly sure that i wanted to, but they were right. I couldnt stay with her as my feelings were degrating. and hers were only growing strong. And so i told her exactly what i was thinking, the reason for my odd behavior, and now we are just friend. except we arent exactly friends yet, but hopefully we will get there.

Tonight i stayed a selenas, and it was quite a fun night. I got to see a lot of people i havent seen. :]

The stubborn;
Alissarae :P

Ocetober 15, 2009

TOMORROWWW<333333333


well today i just havent been in the best mood. I feel like I am going to amount to nothing. I m trying to prepare for the feature, but my grades are starting to fall. I no long have any A's and my mom is going to get very picky on things. She already wants me to make sure the house is spotless, and that I paint all the brown fucking trim in the house. She refuses to help. Apperently it's "part of my punnishment" that ended liek 2 weeks ago. And now she is holding over my head if i dont show her my grades, have the house clean by thursday, and paint at least one day a week; i cannot go out and have fun. I must be grounded for a week or two. Im soooo close to snapping. I had a stress break down. My dog wont eat, and so i just started crying because he would snifff his food then push it around and walk away. Idk i feel like verything going wrong right now is my fault. I just want it all to go back to fun time i was having before i got so stressed out. Maybe i was thinking about the feature to much again. Blahhhhh.


Also I hate myself. After the first time I fell in love with someone I am quite freaked out to have it happen again. I mean i want to have it happen, but it's like once i hit a certain level of liking someone i just kinda shut down. I dont know what I am feeling. Maybe this is what love will feel like for me now, but Im not sure, so I refuse to use those words. I really want to think that i do love her, but Im just not sure. And i am just soooo scared. what if she breaks my heart like jesse. What if i turn out not to be good enough for her. What if she is on something and cheats because she was in the moment of things. AHHH im just freaking out. I think maybe i just to sit down with a nice cup of warm green tea, and just relax. I just nned to calm down and let what i feel, happen. I shouldnt be holding back, even if i am unententinally. :/

Not the best right now;
Alissarae :P

October 12, 2009

if only life was as simple as we would like it to be.

Ive been thinking about my feature, and I have a lot to do next year.
so much pressure about to be put on me.
I've been searching for a job like my mother would like, but i cant seem to find one. Im too young.
Im trying to start up my permit, so i dont have to stress out about that next year.
But still, next year is my first upper classmen year.
More work. lots and lots and lots of school work. and then as of september 12, 2010 i have to find a job, and get my licence.
and then some how juggle all of that, on top of actually having a social life.


FUCK MY LIFE

but at least my life is great at the moment. and i dont have that much to stress about. All I have to do right now, is keep the house all cleann, keep my grades up, and stay away from drugs, alcohol, and sex.
I can do that. :]

October 10, 2009

yesterday was friday, and i had a lot of fun. Well for most of it.
I got to see people i havnt seen for a while. and I also got to hang out with my bestfriend and see what was going on with her. I seem to miss a lot with her, even if we dont talk for a day or so. I know now that I have good true friends. I just hope it stays that way.
After hanging out I went to Denny's where i started feeling sick, so I just asked to go home. That wasnt the best part.
Today I am supposed to be having a movie day with Justin, so ill write later and tell you guys how it goes.

Goodbye For now,
Alissarae :P


Update:
sooo the movie day with justin didnt quite work out lol. But i got to hang out with michele, jesse, steph, justin, pho, mike, brian, and hella other people today. I went to Berkley, and hung out downtown. My good lord I am so tired. I think it is time for me to curl up in my nice warm blankets and either turn on music or my tv and try to sleep. I had an amazing day tho, i just wish i wouldnt have such bad anxiety :/

Bedtime;
Alissarae :P

October 7, 2009

I tend to not write much in this anymore.
I think about it, but it just does not happen.

well on tuesday, Sondrene came to see me. She came up in my room 0.o Its such a mess, I feel sorry for her...
Oh and I also got to see her brother Dylan, and and and I ate this amazing invention called popcorn ballss. DUDE they should be served in schools they are that amazing.
I guess that microtype shit at school is really helping cause now i can type kinda fast without looking :] it makes me happy.
Today is wed, am i correct? i believe I am. OH okie so today I stayed home from school, it wasnt much fun. And now im all stressed that I am going to be failing my classes all because I missed one day. Stupid mom and getting in my head, and making me worry all about school and what not. Well durring my day at home, i say in my moms bed and watched tv, texted, and ate a single cup of noodles. mmm that was nastyy. and and and i also found rings for Justins and I's ingagment. :P After school got out, Selena and Jasmine R came over and painted and cleaned with me. We blasted music and had a lot of fun. Over all, you could say today was decent; except for me waking up with a ginormse lip, I think im allergic to these lip rings lmao. And me having coughing attscks. Besides thattt it was spextacular.

Oh i owe Justin, coon, and Brian 10. alright. I got thisss.
Love,
Alissaraee

October 5, 2009

to prove of how much of a life i dont have;
ill tell you about my day :]

well lets see, i didnt want to wake up this morning, so i woke up late. And i found i left my make up at jesses house. so that went down hill.

I got to school, ate cup of noodles for breakfast. Did what i do at school. Had a little meeting with friends after school. Had a friend ask if i just didnt eat, or if i was every anorexic. my responce. 0.0 no.

got home. watched tv. texted. and wen online.

isnt my life oh so amazing :P

the girl with no life,
Alissarae :P

October 4, 2009

Wow i havent wrote in here for awhile.
i guess its kinda hard to do when not much is going on.
I had a great weekend. friends made me happy, but techno is still playing in my head.
I got to see my baby <3

but jesse said i looked like i was dying, i was so pale :[
alwell im all better now. ummm

i have all A's and B's; my mom is proud of me for that.
I have to paint this week so I can be offically ungrounded.
but once im ungrounded I just have to keep up my chores and grades,
and prove my trust. Then Ill be free :]

oh did you know a guy died at love fest. he got punched or something, split his head, and was bleading from his mouth and ears and what not. And then the love fest security people took him away in a body bag :/ what a shameful way to die.

Jasmine and Selena are going to come over, we get to have our meetings.
and then I need to pick up the house, its really starting to bug me.

god i have no life.

the loser,
Alissarae :P

Update:

sooo all weekend i have been chilling with my newst guy friend Justin. Yeee
Its been a great weekend, i hope you guys all had a great weekend too :]

the girl with a new bestfriend,
Alissarae :P