July 17, 2012

You know when you read something and all these memories come back? Well that is exactly what just happened. Every entry I read, I remembered that day so clearly. I remember the emotions I was feeling and the people I was with. It makes me miss everyone I have lost, but it also puts some perspective in my life. Most of the people I knew back then were party buddies, they were not true friends. Oddly enough, even if they weren't my true friends, they still enjoyed my company and made me feel loved when it seemed like everything was going to shit. I'm seeing how happy and full of life I was. I had so much hope in mankind and society. I was ignorant. I guess I still am in some ways. But it's really interesting to see how little I let things affect me. Or even if it was effecting me drastically I still put a positive spin on it. Can I go back to that girl? Even if her smile was fake, she still cared about everyone. She still cared about her life.


Update:
I sound like such whiny bitch in these. What the fuck.

December 28, 2009

new years is almost here :D

a lot has changed. more then I can ever explain. My brother moved in with me, which isnt so bad. I got a computer for christmas, and I really need to save up for chantels present.

These couple weeks have really shown me who are my true friends. The ones that will stick with me through my roughest times. They will pull me aside and tell me how stupid, i am being. They will tell me how to fix things, hell they will even pick up my broken pieces. These friends i have now, are the ones I will keep for a very long time. I do not seeing myself distancing from them, even when they go off to collage next year, or the year after.

Im apperently going to get my ass beat. for a huge missunderstanding. She says she cant call off her friends now, but i highly doubt they would hurt me. If she tried calling them off. They want to beat my ass, for something that didnt even happen. And they have no other reason to want to beat my ass, none of them do. I have been nothing but nice to everyone, except her. She wants me beat, beat me herself. Dont send a gang.

Well thats all for now;
Alissaraee :P

December 12, 2009

Theres not much to write on her at the moment. Nothing really interesting has happened to me. I met some new friends: Devin, Dillion, and Eric :D
My moms birthday was yesterday. We all sat and ate dinner for 2 hours, and Selena joined me :]
i offically have 7 peircings in my left ear, 5 in my right :]

Its been really cold and rainy lately, im getting used to it; once i learn how to dress in layers.

I've come to the comclusion that i dont really talk to any of my old friends. The ones i would hang out with on fridays, and what not. I even catch myself loosing my so called bestfriend yet again. And apperently I'm runing someones life, because i refuse to sit on the back burner and watch my friend get hurt.

Drama is everywhere for me, and sometimes I just want to throw someone. not something, someone.

I get to go to circus ol le thing tomorrow. that should be a fun expierce.

Im also learning who i really want to be my friends. The people that really matter to me, and the people that drive me insane. I've noticed im becomeing closer to those i dont want to loose, while others are pushing me away. I dont come out of my little box, unless i truly trust the person im with. I wont tell i soul what Im truly feeling, and Im plastering a smile on my face. Funny thing, no one has noticed its fake yet. Have I really learned to hide it that well?


-Alissaraee :P

November 22, 2009

Life is Life, that's all i have to say.
i just got over being sick for about 8 days,
and i had a fever for 7. My life was horrible.
My mommy wouldn't let me out of the house at all,
and i was really capable of it.
And while i was sick, the animals decided they wanted to make a huge mess.
fml. other then that i like my life. and my friends :]

Soo I don't know. I don't know anyone that can get me in such a bad mood over such a little a thing. I didn't know I could be that mad. Guess I can be. I'm in a decent mood, but I'm also pissed. She canceled our plans Saturday, possibly, because of this. All of this over nothing. Sorry if I ask for so something as small as spending time with the person I'm supposed to staying the night with. God I hate fucking drama

October 23, 2009

so much has happened, in so little time.
mostly its my fault.
I screwed up with emotions. and cant figure out what is really going on in my head.
Its quite frustrating actually. I could have just ruined an amazing thing, because of my fear. and because I am so unstable. I really hope Sondrene and I become friends again, one day. At the moment it kinda seems like she hates me. and its killing me inside, because i hurt such a wounderful person. I know our friendship will never be the same, but i hope it gets close to it.
She always so much fun to be with. Her giggles, and her chasing after people were my favorite part. Or how i could talk to her about anything with out her judging me. And they way she did care what i was doing, as long i was safe about it.

basically what I Am trying to say, is i miss Sondrene. Horribly.


our one month was amazing, except for the fact i didnt go to the movie with her. and then i was getting anxious to see her. but we couldnt hang out for that long. She gave me this really sweet note, which is now pasted in my journal. I was so happy she was mine. Then a couple days came around, and i started getting these odd feelings. we were supposed to be all open to eachother, no secrets. But i didnt know how to tell her what i was feeling, with out breaking up with her. And then a couple more days came around, and I wa asking my closest friends for advice. They all said if i was feeling the feelings that i was, that it would be better to not lead her on. To end it. And I wasnt entirly sure that i wanted to, but they were right. I couldnt stay with her as my feelings were degrating. and hers were only growing strong. And so i told her exactly what i was thinking, the reason for my odd behavior, and now we are just friend. except we arent exactly friends yet, but hopefully we will get there.

Tonight i stayed a selenas, and it was quite a fun night. I got to see a lot of people i havent seen. :]

The stubborn;
Alissarae :P

Ocetober 15, 2009

TOMORROWWW<333333333


well today i just havent been in the best mood. I feel like I am going to amount to nothing. I m trying to prepare for the feature, but my grades are starting to fall. I no long have any A's and my mom is going to get very picky on things. She already wants me to make sure the house is spotless, and that I paint all the brown fucking trim in the house. She refuses to help. Apperently it's "part of my punnishment" that ended liek 2 weeks ago. And now she is holding over my head if i dont show her my grades, have the house clean by thursday, and paint at least one day a week; i cannot go out and have fun. I must be grounded for a week or two. Im soooo close to snapping. I had a stress break down. My dog wont eat, and so i just started crying because he would snifff his food then push it around and walk away. Idk i feel like verything going wrong right now is my fault. I just want it all to go back to fun time i was having before i got so stressed out. Maybe i was thinking about the feature to much again. Blahhhhh.


Also I hate myself. After the first time I fell in love with someone I am quite freaked out to have it happen again. I mean i want to have it happen, but it's like once i hit a certain level of liking someone i just kinda shut down. I dont know what I am feeling. Maybe this is what love will feel like for me now, but Im not sure, so I refuse to use those words. I really want to think that i do love her, but Im just not sure. And i am just soooo scared. what if she breaks my heart like jesse. What if i turn out not to be good enough for her. What if she is on something and cheats because she was in the moment of things. AHHH im just freaking out. I think maybe i just to sit down with a nice cup of warm green tea, and just relax. I just nned to calm down and let what i feel, happen. I shouldnt be holding back, even if i am unententinally. :/

Not the best right now;
Alissarae :P

October 12, 2009

if only life was as simple as we would like it to be.

Ive been thinking about my feature, and I have a lot to do next year.
so much pressure about to be put on me.
I've been searching for a job like my mother would like, but i cant seem to find one. Im too young.
Im trying to start up my permit, so i dont have to stress out about that next year.
But still, next year is my first upper classmen year.
More work. lots and lots and lots of school work. and then as of september 12, 2010 i have to find a job, and get my licence.
and then some how juggle all of that, on top of actually having a social life.


FUCK MY LIFE

but at least my life is great at the moment. and i dont have that much to stress about. All I have to do right now, is keep the house all cleann, keep my grades up, and stay away from drugs, alcohol, and sex.
I can do that. :]

October 10, 2009

yesterday was friday, and i had a lot of fun. Well for most of it.
I got to see people i havnt seen for a while. and I also got to hang out with my bestfriend and see what was going on with her. I seem to miss a lot with her, even if we dont talk for a day or so. I know now that I have good true friends. I just hope it stays that way.
After hanging out I went to Denny's where i started feeling sick, so I just asked to go home. That wasnt the best part.
Today I am supposed to be having a movie day with Justin, so ill write later and tell you guys how it goes.

Goodbye For now,
Alissarae :P


Update:
sooo the movie day with justin didnt quite work out lol. But i got to hang out with michele, jesse, steph, justin, pho, mike, brian, and hella other people today. I went to Berkley, and hung out downtown. My good lord I am so tired. I think it is time for me to curl up in my nice warm blankets and either turn on music or my tv and try to sleep. I had an amazing day tho, i just wish i wouldnt have such bad anxiety :/

Bedtime;
Alissarae :P

October 7, 2009

I tend to not write much in this anymore.
I think about it, but it just does not happen.

well on tuesday, Sondrene came to see me. She came up in my room 0.o Its such a mess, I feel sorry for her...
Oh and I also got to see her brother Dylan, and and and I ate this amazing invention called popcorn ballss. DUDE they should be served in schools they are that amazing.
I guess that microtype shit at school is really helping cause now i can type kinda fast without looking :] it makes me happy.
Today is wed, am i correct? i believe I am. OH okie so today I stayed home from school, it wasnt much fun. And now im all stressed that I am going to be failing my classes all because I missed one day. Stupid mom and getting in my head, and making me worry all about school and what not. Well durring my day at home, i say in my moms bed and watched tv, texted, and ate a single cup of noodles. mmm that was nastyy. and and and i also found rings for Justins and I's ingagment. :P After school got out, Selena and Jasmine R came over and painted and cleaned with me. We blasted music and had a lot of fun. Over all, you could say today was decent; except for me waking up with a ginormse lip, I think im allergic to these lip rings lmao. And me having coughing attscks. Besides thattt it was spextacular.

Oh i owe Justin, coon, and Brian 10. alright. I got thisss.
Love,
Alissaraee

October 5, 2009

to prove of how much of a life i dont have;
ill tell you about my day :]

well lets see, i didnt want to wake up this morning, so i woke up late. And i found i left my make up at jesses house. so that went down hill.

I got to school, ate cup of noodles for breakfast. Did what i do at school. Had a little meeting with friends after school. Had a friend ask if i just didnt eat, or if i was every anorexic. my responce. 0.0 no.

got home. watched tv. texted. and wen online.

isnt my life oh so amazing :P

the girl with no life,
Alissarae :P

October 4, 2009

Wow i havent wrote in here for awhile.
i guess its kinda hard to do when not much is going on.
I had a great weekend. friends made me happy, but techno is still playing in my head.
I got to see my baby <3

but jesse said i looked like i was dying, i was so pale :[
alwell im all better now. ummm

i have all A's and B's; my mom is proud of me for that.
I have to paint this week so I can be offically ungrounded.
but once im ungrounded I just have to keep up my chores and grades,
and prove my trust. Then Ill be free :]

oh did you know a guy died at love fest. he got punched or something, split his head, and was bleading from his mouth and ears and what not. And then the love fest security people took him away in a body bag :/ what a shameful way to die.

Jasmine and Selena are going to come over, we get to have our meetings.
and then I need to pick up the house, its really starting to bug me.

god i have no life.

the loser,
Alissarae :P

Update:

sooo all weekend i have been chilling with my newst guy friend Justin. Yeee
Its been a great weekend, i hope you guys all had a great weekend too :]

the girl with a new bestfriend,
Alissarae :P

September 26, 2009

its been 2 maybe 3 days since i've writen.
Not much has happened. I hung out with sondrene last night <3
I wont get to see her again for a couple more days :/
Jesse cancled on me today, yet agin lol.
Me and my mom went shopping for a dres today. She gets to go to the city today, and gets to go to this gay whats-a-ma-call-it tomorrow. lmao. Selenas party tonight! i sooo excited :] umm besides that, nothings really new

Mrs. excited,
Alissarae

September 32, 2009

Well Im a bit scared. Scared of a lot of things. But one thing inparticular. Im scared they are going to try, and succeed, to take my girll. Im so worried. Maybe thats just my fear sinking in. Gah.
Im so disgusted right now. I cant pick up my dogs throw up, or else I throw up. And my mom is going to kill me, because shes just like me, she cant pick it up without getting sick either. EWWWW.
Im not really tired tonight, not after my 2 hour nap thing. but I still have a feeling ill be going to bed early again. Like I always do..
well write more tomorrow. byebyee

Sleepy girl,
Alissarae

September 22, 2009

MARK THIS AS THIS FIRST RELATIONSHIP TO LAST 7 DAYS IN OVER A YEAR FOR ME!
yes yes yes yes yes im so happy! lol
I got to hang out with my baby today! and I got to hang out with RJ AHH! I had funn lol. lajksfdlajdflakfjlkafdlkjfd;akl Im happy.
But somedays I hate the things people do. I hate how people HATE me because of who I choose to date. I just think they need to get over it. Oh and my house is a complete mess. I refuse to pick up shit from my dog. I will clean everything else up, if my mom just does that, cause that is totally not fair! Well anyways, have a good night. I have a ton of homework to do :/

To much homework for,
Alissarae

September 21, 2009

lalalalalala
Im actually in a great mood. I kinda want to get up and jump and dance and sing. I think I might actually do that soon. So today was your typical day at school. 7 periods of absolute boringness. Biology was frustrating, we had a test. And then after school I hung out a little. Poor Tyler was sick :[ I hope he feels better. OH AND TODAY WAS MY FRIENDS BIRFDAY <3 i hope she had an amazing day.
I saw a picture of my mom when she was 19, just 2 years before she gave birth to me. She sieriously could have been a model. omg. You can still her beauty from when she was a teen, she just looks older, thats all :]
TOMORROW is going to be amazing! i get to see my baby andandandand Im excited lol.
latermisters,
Alissarae

September 20th, 2009

So lets see. I've decided to move my Diary to a blog from myspace because I liked the idea. The idea was given to me by the fabulous Lisa, Lisawhaaat .

So anyways, for some really random reason I have been really happy lately. I'd like to say its a good thing, but I havnt been able to be truely happy for a really long time. Things with my mother are going great, we are actually getting along. Things with my father... well lets just not go there. With school I am actually doing suprisingly well. I have either A's or B's. Bleh it was really gross on thurday though, I went to go put on my baithing suite for P.E. and it turns out someone stold my baithing suite bottoms. Why would someone even want to do that? eeck. I've found myself missing a lot of people, but thats what I get for being sober. And I was pleasently suprised with a friend whom I have been having some problems with. She texted me saying she missed me, and that she wants to hang out. She hasnt said anything like that for over 2 months. today I actually might be able to see my girlfriend :] It just depends if I can go on my walk.

I'll write more after the day is over
Time for a walk,
Alissarae


UPDATE!
So me and sondrene and Rj hung out tonight. We hung out in the Keyclub, and I seriously could not stop laughing. Me and Sondrene almost fell asleep together on the couch, then RJ woke me up :P I get to see her on tuesday I think! yee doggie. She makes me happy.
Oh and I have been thinking a lot about my life, and my choices. I think its time for a change. I've been in the process of this change for about 3 weeks now.
Also Ive come to the conclusion of what I want to study for when I grow old. With the support of my mother, I believe I could be some what successful :]
Time to productive,
Alissarae

From the Myspace Dear Diary;

September 18th:

well im finally 15 yippeee. and even though im grounded my life is going pretty well. somethings are a bit stresful but i know things will get better. Im just trying to stay poitive from now on. after all 3/4 the way down from jumping, you relize you could have solved every problem in your life.

August 22th:

so me and hannah broke up. right now im at billys at his birthday party. tonights going to be hella fun :] start wed. i am not very excited for that. not at allllll. Oh my god i think im going to die, im already stressing out. Im still woundering if i will ever find someone that i will actually be good enough for haha. my mom still hasnt found out about my snake bites lol. Im sneakyyyy

August 14th:

so today is my first double date :] ooo funnnn last night i stayed at hannahs, it was quite fun. Ive decided that i really need to move out of my house now. My mom is way to stressful and then she takes out her stress n me. my first night home she goes to the bar instead f stopping by the house to see me. When she comes home, she just open my door looks at me and shuts it. then bitches at me and yells. Not to mention she always has time for her boytoy, like on the phone , but never for me. she gets snappy. IDK she and i would both be happier if i didnt live with her. I already have a house to live in

August 12th:

oh my lord so much has happened. we try to leave for pa, but then micheles sister passes out. So we cant take off until the next day, after sleeping in the airport and what not. But im so glad i went there, because her ffamily is amazing. We went to the water park, and saw some cuties. OMG pensilvanya, well erie, had NO SCENE KIDS! we were freaked out! and we went to the mall, and to a mayday parade concert, where i hung out with the band :] ummmm I gots me a girl now her name is hannah. she is what i like to call amazing <3 umm right now its 2 30 am and i should eb sleeping but im texting mark. lmao. oh and lmao now equals lick me all over, between me and edger :]

July 27th:

im not sure how i feel about today; it was a fun day yes. But idk, im kinda confused. That's all. I dont want just another fuck buddy, i want a realationship. And if she doesnt want that, then i dont want to push this any farther. She keeps questioning herself, and I. and im not sure if ican handel someone being uneasy about this whole thing, it will lead me to question, and not trust what is going on. I just want to know she's absolutly sure she wants me, she wants a realationship. And if that isn't what is going on, then maybe it would be best for us to just stay friends. :/
update:

i really do not want to stay just friends, especially after tonight <3

July 25th:

Lastnight was pretty fun. I got my bottom belly done :] And i went to Ashleys party, yea i didnt sleep at all that night. And i think i may have drank a little bit to much, seeing as how at 7am i was still drunk... John, Geoff, and Aaron kidnapped me for like 10 min, and i came back even worse; but this was before the party. A lot of shit has happened this week that has been getting to me. Just three minor events, but they are. And then every minor thing has been making me more sad. Im trying to be happy, but today just isnt a good day. I hung out with jesse, trevor, and steph after. I dont know i kinda just want to curl up in a ball and dissapear. Just for a few days until i can get my head straight. But good news is, no hangover :]

July 22th:

Today was absolutly amazing. Hannah your amazing <3 Except for my mommy findindg something, but that was minor. Or the fucking fight that happened earlier. It was not good. Im happy, but stressed about my friends safety. I hope he can go live with her. Im very sleepy right now, goodnight.

July 20th:

soo i had an AMAZING weekend. friday i hung out with some of my friends that i havnt seen in awhile :] and met a boy named alex. then saturday i finished my last day of community service, and stayed the night at jesses with trevor, jacob, and Stephany. We got bored so we went to Walnut creek and i met these two really sweet girls names Hanna and Aylin. And on Sunday i went swimming with tawny, tim, billy, jasmine, sierra, keely, jesse, jacob, trevor, stephany, and stephany's sister :] that was so much fun. and today im just in a really great mood :] and its been a productive day

July 17th:

yayy new mousey her name is maya :] lastnihgt. oh lordyyyy.Billyray says i moan in my sleep 0.o i dont think thats normal, alwell. im glad to be talking to one of my friends again. im glad everything seems to be going on the right pace, i just gotta keep this up. cause i really like it. umm... my dad sent me an email, im not sure what i think about that. Im not sure if im ready to reply. right now, no. I dont think so. I need to keep up on my chores, and keep up on my homework. if i do that, ill be as free as a bird. I really do not want to get grounded again.

July 14th:

nope not anymore. Why is it everyone that likes me, or i start liking is in a realationship. ugh. its not fair. Summer school is fun and really easy. Dextar squeaks alot and Michele is getting a mouse for dextar to live with and have a friend :] I've been making a lot of friends,i love it :]

July 13th:

he is such a sweetheart; thats all i got to say :]

July 11th;

Funnnest party in the world. worst morning :/ i hate when people mess with me when i sleep. and thats all they did.

July 9th;

soooo i dont exactly know anymore. I have a new mousey and he is very er frisky. i have a new cookie monster hat :] i just dont what i feel, its kinda weird lol

July 8th:
last night me and jesse were talking and i got home about an hour and half late. mama wasss MADDD.. lol but my newe mousey has a cage and everything so now he can run around, im so happy actually. everything is working out. and you know what, i dont care if she never forgives me. Im moving on from that group of friends. i've made new ones. :]]

July 5th:
so my brothers in town, and we get along GREAT. like we are more of friends then siblings. I think chantel liked him too :] monday should be... interesting? haha oh and jesse is now mad at me, because she "can be." pft.

July 3th:

happy birthday chantal :]

so i've been loosing a lot of my friends lately. well a few but it feels like a lot. It seems if i get one person mad, everyone seems to follow in their foot steps. But i might be intagazizing some of it. Apperently i have caused one situation, where i dont even comiting the crime that i have been accused of. But the acomplice in the crime addmited to it happening. which makes me feel absolutly horrible because i wouldnt usually do such a thing to such a great friend. but i did, and now im paying the consiquences. And for the friends that i have lost for no reason, im sorry for whatever you think i did. Please lets talk about this, and figure things out. If you dont want to, that fine to. People tell me, its your loss. If you wont even give me a chance to explain myself you arent worth my worry and time. I still will care about you, and what happens to you, even if you dont do the same to me. Even if you are the one who finally puches me in the gut and gives me exactly what i need. Even if you have hurt me to no end, i will stillc are about you, and everything that happens to you. You have my support, and my jugdement. Just know this. I am still here, and always will be.

June 24th:
so things havnt been that great. im trying to do as a friend said, and find closher in the whole situation that is occuring. I need to get over this one girl. the girl ive been going after for over 7 months. the girl that has broken my heart and treated me like shit. But the girl that is an amazing friend, and i dont want to loose in any way. the sad thing is i feel because her best friend hates me, she keeps trying to find reasons to hate me, reasons to dislike me, reasons to not talk to me. If she wants that, ill let her have it. But she is going to have to tell me to my face, in person, that she wants that. then ill let her be. Im supposed to be staying at her house on friday, lets see how this is going to go. But then i get to go to pride on saturday. omg im so excited. this day with chantal nd marcella, and that whole group has really helped me. they have shown me how real friends should treat you. and how they wont turn on you about what they hear, they will confront you about it before they make their oppions. and they will stick up for you if someone calls you names such as "a fat ass cunt" im excited to see how these new friendships will go. after all, i need some new friends as ray says :]


June 19th:
"Your amazing and i read that about me of yours and you wanna know what i see i see a girl thats got so much going for her but doesnt see it i see a 14 year old girl who is the most well rounded 14 year old ive ever met but mostly when i look at you i see a lost girl who doesnt realize life is just starting and who should know that she is perfectly imperfect and i wouldnt have it any other way I Love You"
thank you. you made my day. lets just say that it hasnt been that great.


June 6th:
last night i had a bad/good night. i got drunk but not really. and apperently theres a runmor going around that im popping pills and gettting into all the hard core drugs, and im not. It just bothers me that people in high school are resorting to elementry school shit. everyone just needs to grow up. dont say shit that isnt true, and before you spread ask the person about it. especially if it involves shit like this, cause this causes people to loose friends, which is probably this persons goal. Well you should all know, i dont fucking lie, unless it involves me being in a good mood or not. Please just let me keep the friends i have, and maybe get to knwo me before you listen to people who hate me for retarded reasons.

June 2nd
yay i got internet back, finally. well im confuse. lets just put it that way. everything is spinning but slowly falling into place. this summer is going to be amazing, and i have a feeling im going to be getting closer to some people, more distant to others. I just wish all this drama would stop. theres no use in it all. ohh hmmmmm.... yea idk. my brain is too filled with thoughts.

May 30th;

so i broke up with her, but she said she was going to break up with me. to much drama for us to be togetherrr

May 24th;
immature littel bastereds. thats all i gotta say. its like they hate me being happy. Well they can suck my dick and die because for once, im not going to give up my happiness for someone elses. they are just being selfish, once again. You know if you hate me so, then just odnt even bother talking to me. and in first place, make sure you have a legit reason to hate me. this once certain person, they have NO reason to hate me. all they did was just stop tlaking to me. hey hun do me a favor please and grow up, and learn to follow you own paths in life, and dont care what someone else is going to think. Your friend, they have an amazing reason to hate me, you-well you do not. I was hopping this was all going to pass. but if people are going to be so god damn immature and try to break up me and sierra after one day, well you know what, i dont even want to be their friends at the moment. let them have their issues. i've only dont something wrong to one person, not the other. hopfully they'll see that soon.

may 23rd;
has a girl she really likess <33

May 20th:
i try to fix things i cant. I seriously hate this. someone save me. im loosing friends left and right. And i cant do anything to stop it. no matter how hard i try.

May 16th:
last friday to hang out yesterday. it went pretty good in the begining. i got to hang out with trevorrrr and sheyta gave me an amazing meassage. like you have no idea. and then i wait to hours for a friend to show up, they finally do, but they dont even come see me. i wait another hour, nothing. so i just go home. way to stand me up, i mean seriously that pissed mee off... but hey im signed up for summer school, and and and i need to raise 38 dallors. omg im so stressed out you dont even understand. alright well thats the lastest. aidios mis amigos.


April 23rd:
Still no internet.

April 17th:

i have no internet at home :[ bleh so muuch has happened.it too complicated, freaking math. So i found out or figured out something that i already knew. She can never resort to one person, no matter how hard she trys. she has the ability to but she will eventuatly trip and fall and go back to the old pattern. I just hope that maybe one day she will learn that is she stops hurting people she'll stop getting hurt. Blehh. fja;lskdjf;alkdsjf;lak. life.

April 8th:
im letting go of her becuase she cant commit to one person, even if she wants them so badly. Maybe she'll learn but i doubt she will.


April 2th:
happy birthday trevor :] i dont know what i was thinking lastnight. I know ill say yes if she even asks me out again, it would take me months in order for me to even think about saying no. I was just overthinking, lke i always do. trying to find a way to protect myself, but i dont have anything to protect myself from. Im just crazy for imagining shit. Jasmine is supposed to stay the night tonight and then we get to party tomorrow :] and then karima is staying the night on friday :]
update:
looks like i do have something to protect myself from.im done with this shit. stop playing these games, its making me sick. two words, im done.

April 1th:

it didnt feel right; or so she says. I make her happy, but it doesnt feel right. I'll get my actual chance, she promises. BUt i dot get how the feeling of being right is going to change. Im not waiting so long this time. Im tired of waiting. So you can just say im single.
update:
so it hurt me. i was dwelling on it a little bit. But the people that i talked to say that she is the one that is missing out on such a wonderful person. And to some extent they are right, i have fought so hard to get my chance with her. I finally got it, and she ended so soon. If it didnt feel right, what could possibly make it feel right? I dont think there is much i can do, so im just letting things go with the flow. Im not going to force myself to hold on, im not going to struggle anymore. If she wants me, im here. Im waiting. But if she treats me like shit, i can garentee that my feelings will lower. Im not forcing it, tell myself its ok. Because its not. Like Jasmine said, im going to let things fall into place, im going let her make her choices, and ill make my own. Surrounding myself with friends that make me laugh, and happpy; friends that kept my mind off of her breaking up with me, made me realize it really isnt that big of a deal. Yes it hurt me, but i hadn't dove myself into the realationship quite yet. I was still in shock we were still going out by the time it ended. I hope i'll get a second chance to prove that i can truly make her happy. A second chance to show that i can be the best realationship she's had. But im not waiting forever this time. Oh and thank you john for walking me home :]

March 31th:
i do not like wheelchair. bad bad bad... And it's only been a day and she already asked to kiss someone else. goddammit im scared. im worried. what the hell have i got myself into. I said no, but she hasn't given me a reason to think that she wont do it anyways with a simple "dont tell my girlfriend." Im so fucking scared right now, so scared. honestly i....i dont know. I just hope she'll tell me the truth when i ask her about it.

March 29th:
stayed the night at jesse's friday. Saturday went to redhouse and had some fun. It wasnt much fun at first cause was so worried about so many people. It scary how one of there kisses can make everything better. No one has ever been able to do that before. I just hope that maybe ill be able to get over this jealousy, its really starting to bug me... especially because im jealous of them. ehh. im in a good mood right now. I get to hang out with jesse again today :],maybe.
update:
I finally got what i've been wating for. I stuck through all the hardest shit, to get the one i love. The one i have been chasing after for 3 months. I finally got a girlfriend; Jesse <33

March 26th:
my mommy made me take out my lip and my septum; im down to my two in my left nostrile. Im not allowed to get my other side done until i get my grades up a bit more. bleh. but it was either take out my peircings or be grounded for two weeks, and next week is spring break. fuck that haha. so yeah. maybe next year ill do it again... if she lets me :]

March 25th:
its just a week full of peircings. i cant wait to be free on friday; finally its sprng break. but i got to get my grades up. mmm is it odd that i miss them, even though it has only been 3 days? bleh. i over think some things.

March 23th:
i hate this. i hate this. i hate this. i hate that i over think so god damn much. and that i worry my fucking head off. i hate that im scared shitless of something i want so bad. i hate it. i hate how i can feel one way at a moment, and then ill change everything at once right when they say something. i hate that i want to trust them, and that i do trust them; but there is still the once of worry. Of concern. That it'll be like every other realtionship they had. that i wont be any different. that im just a game. I HATE THAT I FUCKING DO THIS TO MYSELF, when i reality these are probably all silly thoughts. Things i dont even need to concern myself with. but of course i do any ways.

March 22th:
last night was... not so great.
had too much to drink and passed out apperently. i remember people being there and taking care of me. and when i was up and able to move, my friend ran off because of a action that occured. last we heard from her was "i want to go kill myself" and so i had my first ever panic attck. by the time me and jesse got picked up she texted us telling us that she was home and safe. that was good. then slept over at jesses. oh wait before the show i got to see dan and cody :]] today went to santa cruz, and atually wore a 2 peice holy shit. the haunted house was scary as all hell, but the beach was great. i loved it. so you could say my weekended greatly :]

March 21th:
show tonight, this should be fun. santa cruzz tomorrow. Night at jesses lastnght. wooo im having a good weekend :]

March 19th:
its a sad moment rght now, 9-11 :/ okie sad moment over. pft today was great. live pron, live porn. haeyyy ;P go ahead a get a closer look jasmineee hahaha. aweeman brown poo. yeee, i love ths week so far <33 i dont think it could get any better then this, minus the fucking shot i had to get today. god dammit, my arm was like burning for hoursss -.-

March 18th:
It is the 3rd consicutive day she has come to see me :]] When that last word escaped her mouth, god i loved how it sounds. All i have to do is wait one moreee weeekk

March 17th:
happy st. patricks day :] pft, im no longer allowed t do any little dances. i must keep them locked uppp. The park is always a fun place to hang out,a good place to escape. My brotherrrr is hilarious, but her abuses me! STUPID TREVOR! and jesse... well :}lets just say i had an amazing day. I really do enjoy being happy all dayy <333

March 16th:
butterflys fill my stomache. I honestly want to do a little dance everytime she speaks of it. I just hope its soon <33

March 14th:
lets just say my night absolutly amazinggg <33

March 13th:
my phones backkk :] im honestly not sure what i think anymore. im a seriously thinking about things, hopefully ill get my chance.

March 12th:
my phone has been taken by the school, so if you texted me, i'll text back when i get it back. It started off in a good day. ended horribly. woo. now i have to focus on english. byebye

March 9th:
did i really just wait for nothing...? lets see, shall we?

March 8th:
redhouse was so much funn <3 i made so many new friends, and saw so many of my old ones. yeeeee. oh and i got this really cute binki because taylor had some extras, and i was really bored. lol so now i have a cute binki, yayyy :]

March 7th:
recap of lastnight
ok soooo. me and jasmine met up, and then we walked in a giant circle for no reason.
We were like pft, and went to kfc where we met up with kyle,hopelynn,veronica, leila, and jessica?
kyle gave me some nummy cokeacola. and i got a little tipsy. then jesse came and gave me some of whatever that was, ot a little bit more tipsy. Dude then jackie, and...shit i feel horrible i forgot her name, came up to us in just there bras and pants. i was like sweeet; lawls. then jesse and i talked, that was a good thing. jasmine went off to find other people :/ but at least she had fun. THEN OMG! the most amazing thing happened! i got to see lori<33 and rj<33 and sondrene<333 and eve<33 and then guy brandon :]] it was greatttt!and then in a truck i got to seee some boobieeesss and i stole her bra x]] oh mind you i finished fof the bottle off captin morgan and coke a cola. so im kinda drunk, but i can walk at least. so i go behind redhouse, realized i forgot my purse run back to kfc to get it. then my mom calls me and asks where i am, i was liek i really have to pee, im at the kfc bathroom and hung up. then when i open the door there she was. pft her drunken daughter chattering away like no tomorrow. then my mom saw kyle and veronica drunk x] that was funny. ian pulled me aside and asked what i was on i was just like "alcoholllll" and he was like ok, no more. or something like that. then they drove off. and i went back behind redhouse, smoked me some hooka and hung out lol. oh then i decided to put on that ones girls bra[?] adn took off my shirt[?] i dont even know. i would have never done that. ever i was like. wft when i was remembering this. and then i put back on my cloths and freaked out because i forgot where my purse was. and some kid needed eyedrops. hey wtf, i never got thsoe back... pft. so i crawled into the truck where my purse was, but some how ended up with my feet touchin my head while me on my stomach. and then my ribs started hurting, and i couldnt get out of the position. ew ow that hurt. but i got my purse and jesse pulled me out off the truck.ahahah. then i went back to kfc, and saw rj and them again and rode in his trucks trunk while he went to find a parking space. then was fun, it felt soooo cool! but then i was like sleeping or something for a couple minutes until i felt someone pull on my string i was like fuck. and when i was crawling out of the truck sondrene and rj and people kept saying "eat some cheese burgers your to skinny..." adn started playing with my hip bones and what not. haha it tickleedddd!
then kyles mom came and icked us up and dropped me off. the endd <33



march 6th:
there are somethings made to keep secret

March 5th:
i need to talk to them. I need it to be now. i need some stuff off my chest. i need this now.

March 2th:
happy birthfay jesse :] mmm is it bad to have resentful feelings toward someone?I hope not because i dont think they are going to go away anytime soon, if anything they are going to get worse. :/ dammit. Why cant i just be happy when some i really care about is happy? why am i so fucking selfish?

March 1th:
2 more days.

February 28th:
3:21 am:

reality hurts. a truth box comment got me thinking hard.
the curtain rises. the stage lights up. a beautiful blonde girl illuminates the stage. she grabs the audiences attention with just her presence, she captivates their mind and soul, all without speaking a word. this girl, she's beautiful with her stature, yet she doesn't even know it. this girl looking so young and naive just by glancing at her you wouldn't see how her past has tortured her. you couldn't see it from far away how those who have hurt her have effected her soul, but in those eyes, those goddamn eyes, you can see it. you can see it penetrating and frustrating her every day. this wonderful little girl might as well be a chameleon, for she is the champion at hiding her feelings. yet if you truly hear her words and see the way she acts you can visualize it. though going out on weekends with her she captivating. her smile illuminates a room better than a billion neon lights. her laugh makes you want to smile. it may be because you're happy she still knows how to smile or the fact that her smile almost feeds off of her illuminating sould. the blonde girl exits. this new girl with black hair enters this girl has a ghost like soul, a soul once so full of life now dim with emotion. so full of life and hope, now gone. i've watched her fall so far so fast. this girl is a slow motion car crash, the audience all knows what's coming but this girl has each beating heart on the edge of their seat. or maybe she's more of the girl trapped in a glass box. with each mistake she makes more water comes in and she can't find a way out. outside of the glass her friends and family watch her struggle, but they don't do a thing. it's just her within this death box and she's the only one who can save herself. she goes out every night because being at home alone with her thoughts is too much to bare. when she sits soberly within the silence she feels like she's screaming at the top of her lungs with no one to hear her. so she downs the drink to silence the thoughts, and pops the pills to keep 'em numb. but this new girl here, she has a small ounce hope. i still see the little blonde girl within her soul. i see it when she takes a chance at love, and fails. she wants comfort, she wants someone to fill the holes, she wants the one to call her home, she wants comfort, she wants to have someone and all of them not just a part of them. she can only see that one girl who,for the moment, has captivated her heart. she can only see picture within the frame, not what surrounds it. she has options, she just can't see the outside. the audience knows this tragedy, they've heard the story. we all know how this one will end, but one can only hope this girl can stop before it's too late, and maybe manage to save the blonde girl within her. she exits. the curtain falls.
this blonde girl they speak of, never felt important. always felt that no one wanted to hang out with her. That she was alone. My past haunts me everyday, but i know that things are getting better. Im still scared things might repeat themselfs, but obviously you can see that when you look in my eyes. my goddamn eyes, they give it all away. Me having black hair has nothing to do with the way i have been changing. but your right i am like ghost like soul, i have no more hope. I've just given up. It seems to be working pretty well, but maybe thats just me. My thoughts do consume me at times, at such a reate i dont know how to escape. Take a pill, all those thoughts banish, but then come back to me one by one, so i can think them through. Figure out whats really going on in my head. Down a drink and every one of those thoughts are gone, but just spill out of my mouth like word vommit. I dont ever realize that im spilling out my heart and sould until it's to late. I now know not to drink, to many people find out whats going on in my head. And yet again, your right. I just want comfort. Maybe the only reason i am so hooked to this certain girl is because she needs fxing, but maybe i should fix myself first. BUt this girl is absolutly wounderful, in my oppion. I dont know what it is about her. I can't make lists about every detail that i love about her, because she is so hidden. She keeps it all to herself. But I dotn eant to let go of her because theres so much more i can learn from her, so much i need/want to take in. I see my other options at times, but i know that if i go out with anyone, once she gets single, ill break their hearts. No matter who they are. And its too late for this blonde girl to come back, She's to far gone. To far lost. I've searched for her, trying to bring her back some what. BUt i've failed yet again. Its seems to be a habbit of mine, failing. I've broken a major promise, which means im going to be loosing a friend soon. BUt i should have known that i couldnt keep that promise. I knew i wouldnt have been able to as soon as i was able to hang out again. I need to stop thinking. Its too much right now. SHit! again your right. BUt i also feel like if i act like the blonde girl you speak so fondly of, ill be acting fake, never being myself. Even though being like this doesnt feel like myself anymore. Its amazing how taking one pill, can change you so much.
3:49 am:

I barly know anything about her. Except how she feels about other people. I've known her for about 7 months and a barly know anything about her. Or maybe i do, i just can t of think of them now. But how is it that i could LOVE someone so much, while not knowing them that well. How is it that i love someone so confusing, so frustrating at times? But Im scared of whats going to come of it. Everyone knows, but me. No wait, i think i know. But i dont want to think just heartbreak is going to come from this. I want to think some happiness will to, that would be kinda nice, for both of us. But is JOnny right? are they really never going to date me? Because i really dont get it, If she doesnt love this girl she is with, why is she even with her. If she really does love me, why doesnt she break up with her? But thats too much for me to ask, after all im probably just going to be a rebound if anything. Its hard for me to believe that she means that she loves me, when those words have passed her lips to easily before. Im afraid, truly terified of whats going to come of this. She has so much control over my heart, over my actions. Its abnormal. The littlest things she says can make my day. Even a simple text such as "goodmorning beautiful, hope u have a great day" can just make my week. Which it did. But is she just stringing me along? Or am i always just going to be "the other girl"?

1:27 pm:
yet another truth box comment, from the same person.
this time i'm not going to write as deep as i did last time. there's no u s e, there's no h o p e, there's no p o i n t. i guess i see you in a different light than you'll ever know. i was once inspired by you. your strength, your soul, i was even inspired by your tragic past. not in the sense that i wanted to have it happen to me, but in the way that i knew if the worst happened to me one day i would just think of you and then i knew i would overcome this and be able to smile again. maybe then everything i thought i knew about you was a lie. maybe i was seeing the illusion that you put on for others. i loved you like the true best friend i never had. my so called "best friends" always betrayed me and talked behind my back. you, you were diffrent. you gave the best advice, you were so wise, you were amazing and truly golden. and i'm not hating because you have black hair, it was ironic that when you changed your hair you changed completely. these days i've learned not to look up to you, i've learned not to trust you, i've learned i can't even respect you, i can't even see "you" within you. i don't think that you even know how many of your friends you have lost. how many people's genuine respect you've lost. you write almost weekly about how you're losing all of your friends, but i don't think you can begin to comprehend how many people you have lost. i'm sorry darling alissa, i might as well lower you into your self built grave because you're nothing to me. i'm sorry about the harshness but i see no other way. goodbye love.
I've noticed everyone im loosing. I've seen it for awhile. BUt i dont know how to get them back. I see that all my once great influence of friends are no longer mine, and the ones that partied but not to hard, are now out of my grip. The friends i have now are amazing, but are so into things i shouldnt do. I barely have friends that live in walnut Creek. The ones Im so fond of live in concord or Martenz. Its just i dont knwo how to grown closer to these old friends of mine. Its like an awckward barrior has been set. I even tried having a conversation with one, and it didnt go as planed. I have lost a lot of peoples respect, maybe one day ill be able to earn it back. Until then, Im seeing where my life takes me.

Ferurary 27th:
currious thoughts that mean nothing;
does she always go after younger people because she knows they'll fall for her? Did she tell me she loved me, and i was the first girl for her to that to, first? or was i just another fish to hook? Did she treat me the way she treats all the current girls. Did she have other girls, hiding them from me, when we had a thing? Why do i even care about all of this? Did she say "you the only one" to others when she said it to me? Why does this even matter?Why so i even care? What is this about?

If she doesnt love her, why be with her? Is she telling me that shes doesnt love her, while saying she does to everyone else? Am i really the girl she loves, besides the one she'll never get over? Am i really lucky enough to have such a great person like me? This is all great, but why do i have to wait so long for such a amazing reward? I've been suffering much to long, but i would rather have cuts all over my body, then let go of her.

I need to get high more often.

Next tuesday is there one month. yay?

February 25th:
6 days, counting down... but my new hero's are jake, Andrew, and Siemen :]

February 24th:
This weekend was one of the best. Never going to forget about it. Omg it was so much fun. But now im grounded all over again. Blehhhhh

February 16th:
I want to relive yesterday. I just want that to repeat for like a week. I think that was one of the best days of my year. Hopefully more of those will come my way :] Today i made 30 bucks just by filing. And i was being really nice to my mom, she asked if i was high or drunk... Is it really that odd for me to be nice to my mom? huh. ill have to change that. oh and my new favorite show is dead like me. absolutely amazing :]
8:11pm
i am going to be a good girl for the next couple weeks. might be good.

February 15th:
im utterly confused with her. she gets jealous so easily, over little ol' me. umhpf. I wish i could understand her better. but im starting to get it. I cant kiss anyone, with out her getting jealous. so im locked down, even though im not in a realationship? huuuh... interesting. I've never been in this situation before. Saturday was fun. I got to try some new things, and take care of some really drunk people. now that i know how i acted, i'm not drinking that much again... haha. I went back to selenas, had some, but just passed out this time. haha. Now im waiting to see if my movie plans are still happening. Im excited for this, more new experiences :] Im actually happy, i like it. hmmmmm; i need to start hanging out with some of my old friends. I dont want to loose them. :/

February 13th:
im staying the night at selenas house tonight. no valentine... People broke promises; and tears were shed. Friendships strenthed, friendships ruined. Im learning that people actually think im pretty, unlike my past. I got to become friends with kyle again :] It was actually a good friday the 13th. even though, at this moment its valentines day.
i dont know what to think anymore with themm...they are so confusing.

February 10th:
u might not be able to go to redhouse friday. Dang it. And now my friend won't respond to me. Things were going great. Now I'm just feeling forgotten. Great...

Febuary 8th:
I need my charger. i cant live with out my phone. its so fucking harddd :// i still havent found out if she ment it. i cant text her. dammit.

February 7th:
tonight has to be one of te funnest nights. well from what i can remember. Thank you everyone who took care of me :]. Sorry if i ate your face lol... Sorry jasmine and selena for not being hanging out with you. I wonder if she actually ment it, when she said it...

February 6th:
tonight should be fun. Mmmm i still dont know how i feel about this little boy. I think i like him? im not suree.... But im just going to let things fall into place; actually listen to some of the advice people give me. Im going to have fun tonight, thats all :]]
10:18pm
tonight was hellah fun. omg haha. everything fell into place :]

Febuary 5th:
i got to figure out what is going on, some what. They aren't pushing me away, they are just putting some distance. they want me to give a boy a chance, and i think i might want too... BUt they are jealous of them. And i dont want to make them jealous. My bestfriend is still there for me, but i still want to make it easier for them. idk, everythng just seems to be falling into place. BUt all that means is that it is going to break apart all over again.

February 4th:
I want a valentine. I want it to be friday. I want it to be next friday. I want time to hurry up and pass. I hate the weeks. She doesnt want me at youth group. neither of them do. Whatever. Be happy alissa.
why cant i live the life of a 14 year old. why is it i live a life of a 15 or 16 year old. I mean damn; i know im growing up. but this is a bit much. ughhh
8:38pm
what the hell is going on? Im loosing everyone. I miss my bestfriend, and all the other one is doing is pushing me away? she said she didn;t want to loose me as a friend, but she is forcing it to happen... God dammit; am i really that screwed up?

February 3th:
byebye heart. hello tears. I knew it was going to happen; i just didnt know it would hurt so bad. i did it to myself, i allowed myself to grow so attached. Its whatever. Things will get better soon. tomorrow is going to be awkward. Friday is going to be fun; hopefully saturday to. Im almost all healed; i must keep my promise. Fuck its harder then i thought. Everything is falling apart.


February 2th:
I dont even know what im feeling at the moment. I know i'm going to have to deal with it, but it'll be hard. Not to mention the Holiday that is comming up... Mmmm this should be a fun one. Each year im never interested in someone durring this month, or if i am i know i have no chance. But this year i am, and i have a chance. But they'll have a little lover by then, or still. Whatever. I must keep a promise. i must keep a promise.i must keep a promise.
bye bye bestfriend :..

February 1th:
today i hung out with jesse and annah. woo; lets add addition to these math problems. Then We hung out with Shannon, yayyyy :]. But then Shannon had to leave us, we went to go see My Bloody Valentine. THat was ok... same story line as the univited, grr.. THen we met up with some random girls that Jesse and Annah knew... lol. Then Stephanie and Tawny and Sam came and hung out with us. So we just all hung out in Pleasent hill, until like 8:30, then i went home. The End :]

January 31th:
so i thought today was going to be that day where i did absolutly nothing. boy was i wrong. I got to hang out with gabe; then i saw a movie with jesse, kelly, cody, dani, and Katlyin. Ahahah cody actually jumped on me when he saw me :] OMG i love dani, she is way to fucking funny. LAWLS! then after teh movie i hung out with jesse. We went to her house for like 2 minutes then went back to walnut creek. WE chilled at redhouse; then met up with selena and ray and jasmine. OMG i know it didnt mean anything but still; i am super jealous of ray. god dammit. then I met this really drunk boy named cody and kissed him on the cheek because he asked me too; jesse got jealous. hahahahha. Then i hung out with jesse and we went to her uncles house, and i came home. God this night was amazing :] and now i know there is hope, because they have given it to me. I just know i'lll have to wait until they are done with the other. woo?